Butch  (William Edward) Oct 21/61, weighing 6lb 10ozs. Toronto, Ontario. My first born child

    My Butch was for the most part a loving, caring person. He was unable to

deal with the deaths of his brother and sister (especially because her murder was not solved and still is not). I watched my son deteriorate and had no resources to help him. He turned to drugs and lost himself in that world. He was (I learned just before Christmas in 1982, his last visit home)  emotionally abusive to the boys, making them get up in the middle of the night to read the bible to him. Strangely enough, the boys seemed to understand he was ill. He went back to Vancouver Island where he was working and telephoned home on rare occasions.  

Then in January of 1983 I had to fly to Ontario because my father was

hospitalized. I stayed in the hospital with him for two and a half weeks

until he died. My mother wanted to move and so I stayed to help her find a place and pack up her house. My father died on her 65th birthday Feb 5th/83 and was buried on my youngest brother's birthday on the 9th, and then exactly one month later my husband call on the 9th of March to tell me Butch had suicided. I had a terrible time getting a flight home so Gord

(my hubby) had to make arrangements from Vancouver for my flight from Toronto. It was so hard. When I got home Gord told me Butch had called him a few nights before and he said he didn't believe that his grandfather died. He said he just knew we broke up and Gord was lying to him. What he didn't tell Gord was that he was on the psych ward in the hospital.

He had committed himself to get help. He had signed out on a noon hour

grounds pass and had an hour to be out. When he left, he went to Canadian

Tire and bought a rope. He was found hanging in the trees near the hospital

by two youngsters. When I telephoned the hospital the nurse who answered

started to cry when I identified myself. Needless to say, I was startled by her response and asked her why. SHE was the one who signed him out. She was in trouble and she was feeling guilty and she wanted to know if I was going to sue. Man, I was so sick at heart. This poor little thing had the whole world on her shoulders. I told her it was NOT her fault. My son was very clever and she would never have known his intentions. He could have conned a blind man into buying glasses. His nature was so soothing. I was not going to sue..it wouldn't bring him back. I gave her instructions on who was going to pick up his belongings and hung up. When someone came over to the house and said to me I don't want you to feel guilty because of what has happened, I realized I didn't feel guilty If professionals didn't see it coming..how would I know?? How would any of us know?? If he had said to me "Mom, I am going to suicide,ok?" I would have said no and had him close to me until those feelings passed. This was not my choice..it was his.

A permanent solution  to a temporary problem. I don't love him any less then my other children, both living and dead. I don't miss him any less then his brother and sister. And, my heart aches and longs for him as much as it does for Kathryn-Mary and Donnie.

I still fight almost 29 yrs later to solve my daughter's murder..her's is

NOT a cold case to me.